| my life is just like a fucking treadmill;
i feel like i'm getting somewhere
but nothing around me ever changes.
i'm ruining my life without even trying.
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| i think the depression is coming back.
i'm so sorry. i feel so insignificant.
everyday; same day, every day.
my body, it aches.
i don't stress; i just over think.
this is all in my head.
i've lost a lot;
but i have you.
i think,
i hope,
i do. tell me i mean more. i've lost twenty pounds since the last time i stepped on that goddamned scale.
it's all in my head. |
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| i'm just trying to make everyone happy.
and sometimes i believe my curiosity gets the best of me.
sometimes, i wish i could forget certain things because
sometimes, those exact lingering memories and thoughts
hold me the fuck down.
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| And if your changing, darling,
like a flower in a bloom,
or a catepillar in metamorphisis;
remember the feel of the soil.
the dirt holding you down
and how it felt to be scowled upon
by those with patterened wings in flight
and full of superiority.
give back to nature when it offers you the sky;
opened, as though a quilt shook out
on a summer's day for the grandest of picnics.
do not sneer or ask for more or better;
for i've made my changes,
and this is the best i get, dear.
remember how it felt to love for love's sake only.
remember that the cards are in your hands.
that the scars you bare are proof of your strength
and that the ones i do are proof that you can do as you please.
i wrote this poem for you.
but my heart is still worn out on my sleeve.
and i'm not stopping.
and it's all coming out into words on these lined pieces of notebook paper.
and i have hope for change.
and i have hope for love.
and i have hope for us.
please, i'm asking you to not leave me alone.
don't count me out.
not just yet.
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| i can't stop crying.
i can't breathe.
and it's so hard not to regress.
it's so hard not to tear these scars wide open.
it's so hard to not put something around my neck
and just fade away.
and all i want to do is curl up in a ball and cry.
all i want is for you to be here to see how little
it takes for you to put me back to where i was two months ago.
all i want is for you to hold me while i cry about us becoming singular.
just you.
and just me.
but i'm the one who's alone again.
and maybe i did know all along.
because i just realized why and how much i really do love the song
"white horse".
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